How To Get My Boyfriend Back After I Drove Him Away

April 15, 2009 | 1 Comment

One of the questions that you may ask yourself is how to get my boyfriend back. The practice of dating is full of ups and downs, and most of the downs are the result of a misunderstanding. So when you are trying to figure out what went wrong, here are some clues as to where men get the wrong message and end up backing off.

Many men back off for a reason that seems counter intuitive. By trying too hard to please the guy, serving his every need, in the end you are selling yourself as a doormat in his eyes. The idea is to be respectful with who you are, and how you sell yourself. That is not to say you should be dominant, but that you should say that being someone who is respectable is how to get my boyfriend back. Men do like to be treated well at times, but they want women who can standup for themselves.

Another thing that will send them away is to talk about your ex’s. Men are competing when they are dating. They are thinking of the other men who are potential competitors to their efforts, so when you mention other men in your life you are giving them something to compare against. Again, this is not to say you should not say anything. Background and personal history is important. Knowing that you dated one man throughout high school and college is important. Telling your date that he is a football player with 20 awards, his game stats, where his tattoos are, etc. is too much. Focusing on one ex will sell the idea that either you still have feelings for him, or if it is all negative, you will cause your date to over analyze themselves.

Business like behavior, or conversely being too promiscuous, will work against you. The general ideal is a lady like or feminine behavior. Too much on the skin side can work against you, but being boyish will also push away prospects. You should be feminine, conservative, and someone who is not cheap or intimidating.

Pressuring him is another turn off. This includes trying to get him to define his role and analyze who he is and how he feels. Men tend not to like having their feelings challenged, and if he has an idea that is proven wrong, then it can send him packing.

Another thing to send him packing is to try and change him. You can’t. Men think that being steady means that you want him for him, so trying to change him is going to tell him he has a serious problem. Even if he does not have a problem, trying to change him will challenge his feelings and strip him of who he is. Let him be him. If you need something else, find someone else.

No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect; but when you are trying to figure out how to get my boyfriend back, these are steps to make sure you do not scare him off.

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Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Get Ex Back 

How To Know If Your Marriage Will Survive

April 12, 2009 | 1 Comment

Do you know whether or not your marriage will make it? I can tell you with near certainty.

If you had to pick ONE THING that best predicts whether or not your marriage will succeed, what would you pick?

You might say “conflict.” If you fight a lot, then that’s not a good sign, right? WRONG.

Would you believe that it’s the opposite?! That’s right; research shows that the number one predictor of divorce is the habitual AVOIDANCE of conflict. In other words, a couple who does NOT fight is at the greatest risk for divorce.

A couple came to me for private phone sessions and I asked them what was going on in their relationship.

“We never talk,” Kathy said.

“Why not,” I asked.

“Because we realized that that’s when we fight,” she responded.

Isn’t it ironic? We try to avoid conflict with our spouse for the benefit of our relationship. But there’s nothing MORE damaging to your marriage than NOT fighting.

Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is! Hate is close to love. To hate someone, you have to CARE about them.

Did you ever feel hate for your mailman? How about the clerk at the supermarket? You never hated them because you don’t care about them. That’s the opposite of love.

But the closer you are to someone the more likely it is that you step on each other’s toes. Hate is actually a sign of hope. It means you care. It means you’re close. Apathy, on the other hand, is cause for great concern.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advising you to go pick a fight with your spouse. You can’t fight so that you’ll have a good marriage. I didn’t say fighting is healthy. I said people in healthy marriages fight. In other words, the fact that you fight is a sign that deep down you really love each other, that your relationship has potential. But if you want to be happily married, you have to learn to fight WELL.

Successful couples know how to discuss their differences. This is not something that comes naturally to anyone; it’s a learned skill. And once you learn it, all the energy that goes into your fights propels your relationship forward.

EVERY successful couple has areas of disagreement. No two people are perfectly compatible. “Irreconcilable differences” are like a bad knee or a chronic back—they’re part of every good marriage.

The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to fight well with the person you found. You’ll have “irreconcilable differences” with anyone you pick. The question is whether or not you can learn to discuss them.

About the Author: If you’d like to learn how to discuss them as well as other marriage renewal tips, then subscribe to Mort Fertel FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Marriage Advice 

How To Get Your Spouse To Hear You

April 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able to relate to it.

This person said they felt trapped in their basement trying to communicate with their spouse via Morse Code. They said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard. They would bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and wait…bang and wait…bang and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never heard them.

Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication?

We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. It’s true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult.

The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. PERSONAL communication is a whole different ball game. And it’s PERSONAL communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.

I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, CT. After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had the same daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that they were husband and wife.

You know what’s killing marriages these days? EMAIL! More and more I’m seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for INFORMATION. But in a marriage you’ve got to HEAR each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of a pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email.

And let me be clear about something; you can’t do it with communication techniques either. There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other’s pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and the usual marriage counseling approach. If you’re like most people with marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know that it does NOT work.

Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was black and blue. He said, “Daddy, I need a band-aide.”

I responded, “But it’s not bleeding.”

He said again, “Daddy, can you put a band-aide on it?”

I realized that my son’s perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it better…even if it’s a bruise and not a cut.

So what does this have to do with communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses aren’t hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the problem. But that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution.

Communication techniques can help colleagues transmit INFORMATION clearly. Communication techniques belong in seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But you’re not trying to complete a transaction with your spouse; you’re trying to renew a relationship. I can almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity; it’s concern. Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.

How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?

This is one of the things that’s unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll prove it to you.

Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when you’re in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other’s sentences. And yet you haven’t known each other that long and you haven’t learned any communication techniques.

Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you can’t get through to each other.

Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.

The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my spouse.” The question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?” Once you reconnect, you won’t be sitting in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It’ll be your spouse. You were heard.

About the Author: If you want to learn how to connect with your spouse again, subscribe to Mort Fertel’s FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get his FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Marriage Advice 

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