Love: Falling in Love With Your Spouse - Again

June 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Bobbie and Mac sought me out for couples counseling because they were on the verge of divorce - after 25 years of marriage. Both had years of counseling, yet they could not find their way through their relationship problems.

Bobbie described her experience of their relationship:

“I love Mac but I do not feel seen or loved by him. He is never affectionate with me and does not seem to value all that I do. He blows up over the slightest infraction and I often feel that he is being irrational. He seems to look for things to get angry about. He often accuses me of thinking and behaving in ways that are not me at all. I feel totally invisible to him, and I can’t deal with it any more. He is so kind and loving with others but not with me.”

Mac described his experience of their relationship:

“Bobbie argues and debates with me over every little thing. I feel so angry and controlled by her arguing and debating that I guess I decided a long time ago to no longer let her in. Her debating everything is intolerable to me, and I’d rather end the relationship than keep on being at the other end of this control.”

Bobbie came from a background where she was deeply unseen by her parents. As a child, being unseen felt so lonely to her that she had learned to try to have control over being seen by caretaking, arguing and debating. She had never learned to manage the loneliness of not being seen. She continued in her marriage with Mac to try to have control over how he saw her and felt about her with her caretaking and debating.

Mac came from a very controlling family, and had learned many ways to resist being controlled. In his relationship with Bobbie, his resistance was in full force. He would give her none of himself in his efforts to not be invaded and controlled by her.

I worked with each of them individually, helping each of them take responsibility for their own part of the relationship system. In one of our sessions, Bobbie experienced a deep level of understanding of her behavior. In our next session she reported that:

“I knew I was arguing and debating, but I didn’t realize how terrified I had been of the loneliness of not being seen. In the session, I recalled the depth of the loneliness I experienced with my parents, and after the session I sobbed and sobbed. Then I was able to fully embrace the lonely little child in me instead of abandoning her by trying to control Mac. I apologized to Mac for my unloving behavior and since that time, I have been able to lovingly walk away when I feel so unseen by Mac.”

After a couple of months of Bobbie no longer trying to control Mac, Mac had a breakthrough.

“I was, once again, very angry at Bobbie for some little thing. Instead of arguing with me, she just walked away. I went after her and tried to blame her some more. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “You don’t see me.” Somehow, this stopped me dead. I knew she was right. Even though I knew I had pulled back, I had not realized until that moment how angry and punishing I had been with her. I had seen it as all her fault. But she had stopped the debating and now I had to see my part of this. I was still angry even though she had stopped doing the very thing that I was so angry about. At that moment, all my love for her came flooding back and I was able to deeply apologize to her for my unloving behavior. Since then we are like newlyweds! We never thought we could fall in love with each other again, but we have!”

About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have healed their pain and discovered their joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Save Marriage Tips 

5 Loving Actions That Will Keep Your Love Alive

June 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment

It’s no secret that modern life is fast-paced and getting faster every day. In this world, relationships “and all the work they require” can easily be seen as inefficient, time-consuming and simply not gratifying enough. For your relationship to have a healthy chance at survival, you must take steps to nurture the simple, loving aspects of your union.

5 actions that are essential for your relationship:

1. Hellos and good-byes

Greeting your partner and saying good-bye are quick and easy to do but often overlooked in the chaos of hectic schedules. A warm, expressive greeting can set the stage for the entire day. An affectionate “good-bye” allows you and your partner to emotionally hold on to loving feelings while separated from each other. You’d be surprised how often couples skip this simple way to book-end their days. It may seem easier to put all your morning energies into catching the 7:15 train and overlook taking the time to stop, make eye contact with your partner and genuinely wish him/her a good day. Don’t fall into this trap.

2. Share the trivialities of life

Think back to a time when your relationship was new. What did you and your partner talk about? Probably anything and everything. The excitement of new love propels us to share even the smallest details of our day. Unfortunately that level of sharing often dwindles as relationships mature and responsibilities mount. Focus on the act of sharing to refuel intimacy. The simple act itself is more important than the specifics of what is shared. So make it a habit to share the trivialities of your day with your partner.

3. Learn to laugh together

Shared laughter is a surefire way to keep the connection with your partner vibrant. When you laugh, you’re tapping into the playful energy that transcends life’s stresses. When you and your partner make each other laugh, this energy feeds intimacy and life becomes a little less daunting. Make time for mutual playfulness and make fun of life’s absurdities, this will help you both cope with stress, develop perspective and achieve a greater sense of togetherness.

4. Communicate through Touch

Touch is a powerful way to communicate affection and foster intimacy. Whether you’re sitting across from each other at the dinner table or next to your partner on the sofa, make the effort to increase the amount you touch one another. Touch also has a calming effect on our bodies, so if you want to create a relaxed, loving atmosphere and make your partner feel special, lean into each other the next time you’re at the movies or watching TV.

5. Show your appreciation

It’s human nature to want to be recognized for the things we do. When you express gratitude, your partner receives the message that you are thankful and are not taking him/her for granted. An atmosphere of appreciation will create positive feelings and deepen your connection. Don’t fall prey to the expectation-mindset, where you start to believe that your partner is supposed to do all the things s/he does and therefore doesn’t need to be thanked for them; this mindset creates a dangerous atmosphere of complacency that erodes intimacy.

These five loving acts don’t take much time and don’t cost a dime; but the payoff is huge. You will be taking steps to protect your marriage or relationship from the fast-paced tempo of life.

About the Author: Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. : To uncover other relationship tips, visit Dr. Nicastro’s website at http://www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com and sign up for his FREE monthly newsletter. You will also immediately receive two free reports that can help you build the relationship of your dreams.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Save Marriage Tips 

Secrets Of Happy And Long-Lasting Marriage - Sound Difficult? Not So…

June 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Do you still remember the moment you together with your husband or wife swear in front of the altar that you will be keeping your marriage vows in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, and until death do your part? Good for the two of you if you still keep that scared vows you have made when you were married. Unfortunately, there are couples who happen to be filing divorces for different grounds.

Why there are couples who are making separate ways after they have taken that marriage vows? There are many reasons to mention, but the gravest of all is the loss of love and trust to one another. All the problems are rooted from this reason. How will you trust your partner if you do not love him/her? How will you love your partner if you do not trust him/her? These two questions will lead you to a very serious one, “How will I make our marriage happy and long-lasting?”

That is not a new question for every couple. Before marriage, they are exactly asking the same question. But this time, it is really serious. Remember that you have sworn before God that you will love and take care of each other until death, or even after death.

As mentioned earlier, the gravest reason of divorcing couples is the lack of love and trust. So what will you do to maintain or in case lost, return it in your relationship?

First thing to do is to have an open communication. One of the reasons of lack of trust is miscommunication. For instance, there will be an instance where you will not be revealing your problem to your partner even though he or she already noticed it. First thing that will come to his or her mind is that you do not trust her anymore because you are not revealing your problem.

Find ways of opening your communication. Have a talk every night before you sleep. You can confer to your partner experiences of the previous day. Let your partner know that you want him or her to be a part of everything you are experiencing with, most especially on cases when you have problems.

Another is to make sacrifices on some circumstances. It is one of the secrets to have a happy and long-lasting marriage. Both of you should be prepared to put your partner’s happiness ahead of your own from time to time.

There are instances that small problems become large problems if you will be showing that you are the boss of the relationship. You must learn to give way, after all a happy marriage is allowing your partner to be satisfied with your relationship. For instance, you can volunteer yourself on washing the dishes after dinner. Just see the smile on the face of your wife if you will do such small things for them. In addition, it also shows that you care for your partner.

Always be careful with your finances. If you do not handle your financial situation carefully, it can destroy your marriage. When financial crisis arise, it is important that the two of you should discuss the problem so that you are both aware of the situation you are facing and at the same time finding solutions. Working together on this particular issue will make each other feel that each of you is an integral part of the decision making process.

There are so many variables that affect your marriage. Just remember that love and trust will bind you together. Make each other realize that the two of you must continuously work on all of these aspects to ensure that your marriage will be happy and long-lasting through the rest of your lives.

About Sarah Williams: You Can Save Your Marriage And Secure For Yourself And Your Spouse A Great Future That Can Be Enjoyed Forever! Visit NOW for more details!

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Marriage Advice 

« Previous Page — Next Page »