I Miss My Ex Boyfriend - How To Cope

July 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Are you saying, “I miss my ex boyfriend” and wondering what you’re going to do? Losing a boyfriend is a painful thing, especially if you really love him. And unfortunately, “I miss my ex boyfriend” is a common cry these days.

You have to decide when the time comes to stop saying, “I miss my ex boyfriend!” and start saying, “I’m going to get my boyfriend back!” It’s hard enough to be missing him without having to worry about strategies to get him back, but they’re important.

These strategies will work even if there’s no chance of you getting back together. They’ll work by helping you feel better about yourself and your situation. It might not be easy to face the fact that you may not get back together, no matter what you do, and that’s normal.

While you’d probably rather hear about that surefire method of getting your boyfriend back, there is no such magic bullet. No one thing is going to miraculously work for every split up couple. If that were the case, then everyone would stay together, for the most part. Or when they did split up, no one would really be hurt by it.

So you can forget about guarantees and absolutes. Everything you try might not work at all. But at least you’ve tried everything you knew how to try, and that’s more than most people will ever do.

“I miss my ex boyfriend” is the battle cry of many women who’ve been involved with break ups .It happens to almost everyone at least once; and for some people, it’s happened more than once. They got through it and came out all right on the other side, and so will you. That’s important to remember.

It’s also important to remember that even though you do everything you know how to do to get your ex back, it may not work, but that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. The tendency is to blame yourself when this doesn’t work out. But for all you know, he has different reasons for wanting to break up and they aren’t things that can be fixed, in his opinion.

As frustrating as it is, his opinion is the one that matters most to him. If he believes it’s hopeless, it’ll be very hard for you to change his mind. You may end up just getting hurt worse if you try to.

But if he seems open to the idea that you want to get back together, then you probably have a much better chance of getting him again. In the long run, getting him back into the relationship after a breakup is the easy part. Keeping him interested for the long haul can be a whole different thing.

Carefully consider when you’re trying to get him back if it’s just that you don’t want to be alone, or that you want to be with him. You don’t want “I still miss my ex boyfriend” to turn into “I want to break up with him.”

You can have access to advance technique on “How to Get My Boyfriend Back” here:
http://savemarriagehowto.com/go/makingupmagic-4.html

It’s Fear of Intimacy, Not Lack of Time

July 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Eric had just been promoted to Vice President of Marketing. It had been an important goal and much sacrifice was involved. Yet, he immediately began experiencing anxiety attacks. In talking about his life, he shared a picture of a marriage that was good in many respects, but lacking intimacy in terms of an insufficient sharing of feelings and an inadequate sexual relationship. His issue, not uncommon for men, was his fear that he would not be able to live up to the new expectations that came with his promotion. Interestingly, Eric was not just concerned about disappointing his CEO but also his wife.

A mother who had very high expectations for him had raised Eric and, in his mind, she had withdrawn her affection whenever his achievements disappointed her. Clearly he seemed to be projecting this same expectation onto his wife, Alissa. She had experienced a difficult childhood in which her father had left the family when she was a child and she became a primary caretaker of her younger siblings. Like many women, Alissa felt it was her responsibility to “fix” relationship problems, but she was hindered by her deep fear that she would be abandoned in a close relationship. Each spouse was living with these concerns but either unaware or unwilling to share them. When Eric finally shared his fear of disappointing Alissa, she was able to share her fear that his success would result in his leaving her. Their ability to share these fears, which reflected a significant risk-taking for both, brought them much closer together.

We all bring “baggage” from our early years into our significant relationships. A father who worked long hours and wasn’t available, a mother who screamed a lot, a father or mother who had a drinking problem, a sibling who tormented us or set standards we felt we couldn’t live up to, a death of a sibling, or a divorce. The list is lengthy and the events can be obvious or subtle. Also, the impact will vary among the children based on the latter’s different personalities and the timing in their lives. This is not about blaming parents for the problems in our lives. This is about understanding the dependency and vulnerability of children, the way they view the world, and the resulting concerns that they nearly always bring with them into their adult lives about trust, intimacy, and fears of loss and abandonment. Even in the best of family environments, children not only experience painful disappointments but also are faced with the daunting task of separating from their primary caretakers.

For many years couples have focused on how the lack of time in their beleaguered lives is the primary reason why their marriages have lacked intimacy. Of course, the chronic pattern of pushing marital needs to the end of lengthy “TO DO” lists sabotages closeness and partnership. But is it simply a lack of time or is it just another way to deal with the scariest aspect of relationships?

Intimacy is very risky. It requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship that each person will experience a sense of dependency on the other. To admit to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt. For ALL of us, this is difficult. Dependency is a negative concept in our society. Men, especially, are taught to strive for independence. The joke about men not asking for directions is not really very funny when you realize it is imbedded into the training of most males not to admit to needing help. Dependency has been feminized over the years and inappropriately labeled as a weakness. This is part of how society’s message affects its members.

Intimacy is more than admitting to needing others. It also requires a sharing of one’s fears and dreams, a process that contributes to a strong feeling of vulnerability. Each of us carries enough self-doubt, guilt, and shame to make the process of sharing our private worlds scary. It is hard for most of us to believe that if someone else REALLY knows us, they will still love us. The very nature of falling in love contributes significantly to this problem. We idealize our partner when our hearts shape our visions and expectations of this special person. Ultimately we become trapped in the curse of not being able to live up to those unrealistic expectations. In this context, it is even more difficult to admit to our failings and fears.

Given all of these factors, it is no wonder that couples find it very difficult to establish an intimate marriage. Couples carry out a “dance of intimacy” in which they get as close as either or both can tolerate and then they have an argument or do something that permits a pulling back to a safe distance. It is this “dance” that is central to decisions to not make time to talk to each other, not go out and have fun together, go to bed at different times, rarely make love, keep monies separate, or, simply, keep their lives separate.

When couples face these fears, on their own or with the help of a therapist, it is often amazing how they can make changes that result in increased intimacy. They may arrange to go to bed at the same time, find a way to have an occasional meal alone, talk to each other more frequently, make love more frequently, stop allowing children to dominate their marriage, or simply admit they really need and want each other. The fighting decreases because it is no longer needed to protect their “secrets.” The time factor, while still a challenge, is no longer the excuse for a poor relationship. In fact a contradiction often occurs: Spending more time as a couple ends up saving time. Their relationship, as spouses and parents, becomes more efficient because they are in sync. So don’t get stuck in saying there’s not enough time for the relationship. Think about other reasons why getting close might be scary. Then do something to change it.

Author Bio: Dr. Heller is a clinical psychologist, now retired, who specialized in providing services to children, families, and couples since 1968. He has written over 170 columns about parenting and marriage which are available on his website, http://www.drheller.com.

What To Do After Marriage To Avoid Ruining Your Relationship

July 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment

After marriage, many relationships begin to stumble and fall. This doesn’t seem like the way it should go. Marriage is supposed to be a great and glorious thing, and much of the time it’s exactly that, but the period after marriage can also be a dangerous one for many people.

The problem is that before marriage, the relationship was always building towards something. In the early days, you looked forward to the next date. Then you were looking forward to all the little events that make up the beginnings of a relationship. Meeting the parents, meeting the friends, all those little first that make up a life.

After all that, you start looking forward to the big events. You move in together, and that’s a big thing. Then you start looking forward to the wedding, to the rest of your life. Then you get married. After marriage, things change.

After marriage, you start to wonder if this is all there. Most of the little events that you look forward to have happened and all you’re left with is the rest of your life. While finding the right someone to spend your life with is one of the best parts of life, you have to wary of the ennui that comes after.

This is a period that can leave you or your new spouse failing, looking for something to give your life direction. This can lead to people doing stupid things as the new wedding glow wears off, cheating or starting fights.

Because of this, the after marriage period is not a time when you should sit by and just hope that everything will work out for the best. A marriage might last a lifetime for the lucky, but it won’t get there without the two of you being in synch and working towards building something that last.

What you need to weather the after marriage doldrums is communication. You and your spouse need to make sure that the relationship is growing the way you want it to and that you both have the same expectations.

We often don’t tell our spouses about the fears and uncertainty we have because we’re afraid that it will hurt them or just afraid that if we say it, it will really be true. But you need to tell them and talk about things because if you don’t, the problems will grow and fester.

Instead of allowing that to happen, get into the habit of total honesty as early as you can. The earlier you start, the easier it’s going to be when and if problems do arrive. This means you both need to be able to work with hurt feelings, to get around and over them to get to the good times.

After marriage, you have the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself and your spouse to try as hard as you can to make it a life worth living. You may need more help than this article can give you, and that’s fine. There are plenty of resources available to help you build a better, stronger marriage.

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