Are You Moving Towards a Breakup? - Part 1

September 28, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Are you going towards an inevitable break-up or your love relationship will remain strong. How much does your personality contribute to this? Do you know the answer to this? We find that there are some people who carry on together for life and there are some who follow a chain of breakups. What is the difference between these two types and what type are you?

Those who carry on for long have one trait- they never think about breaking up. They never treat that as an option. They may at times carry on with pain but they never break-up. They tolerate their partner and try to mend the relationship. They also give in more to their partner’s wishes and do not try to impose their own will. These people are now in a minority but there were days when the world was full of such people. No relationship was considered complete till marriage and no body thought about breaking up.

What kind of personality do you have? Are you tolerant? Do you always ask and are reluctant to give? Do you hate it if your partner does something against your wishes or laugh it away? Most importantly how far do you know about your own shortcomings? Also do you consider break up after every major argument? Does the thought that- I cannot live with this person any more come to your mind after arguments? Do you sometimes look at your partner as someone who troubles you more than give you pleasure? What do you believe about your relationship? Is the old love still burning in your heart or have you started looking around and find other people more attractive and friendly? Think about the answers to these questions and you will know the kind of future you will have. Most of us make our own destiny.

Try to know if your partner wants to break up with you. A relationship is made of two persons who want to stay in that. What if your partner wants to break-up? Will the relationship stay? Can you keep it going? This situation is not unique. Many of us face this kind of problem. We may be still love our partner and want to continue the relationship. But our partner may be making all efforts to break it up. What should you do if you are in such a situation?

The first step should be look back and think of words or actions of your partner, which must have given hint of what might be coming. At that time because of your love you might have ignored the hints. It is time to revisit those words and actions. If you can find a patter than you may be sure that your partner had been preparing for quite some time.

Does talking to your partner help? Does it help if you want to find out if they would like to continue? Does it help if you try to persuade them? Give this a try and find out their reaction. If the reaction is highly negative and accusing then better stop making efforts. Why I use the word accusing? Please read further in part two of this article series.

Author Bio: The author writes text messages and advises for internet and social networking content like myspace quotes and myspace comments. He also writes quizzes on subjects like personality, etc.

The Meltdown

September 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Things go wrong. The oven malfunctions, the appetizer burns, and your snooty in-laws arrive to a smoke-filled house. You’re leaving for your brother’s wedding and the baby throws up on the perfect silk dress you shopped for months to find. The flight home from the conference your boss made you attend is late. You miss your own birthday party.

A meltdown is yours to have. The sweetheart who wants to earn points (or what my hubby and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles) shows support with, “That really sucks!” and leaves you to rant ‘n rave until you realize you’ve crossed the line from justifiably upset to childish.

There are times, however, when the meltdown is up for grabs and goes to the first taker. Example: Hubby Dale and I were traveling by rent-a-wreck from Point Nowhere to Point End-of-the-Earth in Patagonia. Mid-way, the the car died. Just as I opened my mouth to lament that we would be robbed and left to die where our bodies would never be found, Dale had a 10-on-the-Richter-scale tantrum. He pounded the steering wheel, turned the air blue, blue, blue, then got out of the car and began maniacally kicking it. Dang! I had been too slow on the uptake. He called dibs on the meltdown. It was my turn to stay calm. I didn’t try talking him off the ledge. I didn’t point out that his behavior wasn’t solving our dilemma. I let him enjoy the moment, supporting him by throwing in a few expletives of my own. He called losing-it-dibs. Fair is fair.

Although I didn’t get to have my meltdown, I’ve gotten good laughs from telling the story of when mild-mannered Dale went postal. And when I tell it, I get to throw in my highway robbery fears. It worked out. It usually does.

Here’s the rule: When what goes wrong happens to both of you, only one of you gets to have the meltdown. The other one stays calm. Someone has to deal with whatever it is that went wrong. Trust me on this. It’s the best way to avoid an argument and the quickest way to get your crazed sweetie back to the world of the sane.

Jean knows how to work the system. Richard’s meltdowns are preceded by a throbbing vein in his forehead. When one of the kids spilled cherry Kool-Aid all over the family room sofa and Richard’s vein began to throb, she seized the opportunity to get the new sofa she’d been wanting and beat him to the punch. She figured Richard would more readily agree to a new sofa if it was she who had the tantrum. She was right. Smart woman.

When things go wrong and you respond with a meltdown, the last thing you want to hear is that your behavior is ridiculous. So, the next time your love bug has a meltdown, return the favor. Giving your partner space to be less than perfect without being holier-than-thou judgmental is a great way to sustain intimacy by saying, “I love you, imperfections and all.” You’ll earn Frequent Foreplay Miles and we can all use those!

Author Bio: Shela Dean is Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles - Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey towards improving intimacy and strengthening marital bonds.

Relationships: Cheating

September 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment

“Why would my boyfriend cheat on me?”
“I’m pretty sure my wife is cheating on me. I want to know why.”
“I know that my husband has been cheating on me for years. I don’t get why he does this.”

Why do people cheat on their partners? Why do others have affairs that their partners know about?

Here are some of the reasons for cheating that I have encountered in my many years of counseling.

- Ed has been cheating on his wife for years. Ed is addicted to the thrill of conquest. It is not actually the sex he is after, but the sense of power he feels when he is able to get a woman in bed with him. Because Ed takes no responsibility for his own feelings and sense of worth, he uses women to fill him and define him. It has nothing to do with his wife - it is all about his lack of responsibility for his own neediness.

- Eloise cheats on her husband because she is seeking the attention from men that she refuses to give to herself. Eloise is constantly giving herself up to her husband and then blaming him for her unhappiness. Like Ed, Eloise takes no responsibility for her own feelings and needs. She seeks validation through sex and attention outside of her marriage because she refuses to learn to love herself. Eloise’s cheating has nothing to do with her husband.

- Max is terrified of intimacy. While he claims to love his girlfriend, he has a deep fear of being controlled by a woman. Instead of taking responsibility for his fears and developing a loving adult aspect of himself who is capable of setting limits against engulfment, his way of avoiding this fear is to have affairs. His cheating has nothing to do with his girlfriend.

Here are some reasons for having affairs that their partners know about, which cannot be called cheating since they are being honest about it:

- Gene and Gloria married after being long-time friends. They hoped that the passion would develop between them, but it never did. They care deeply about each other but they have no chemistry. While Gene is fine with this, Gloria isn’t and has a second relationship that meets her needs for passion and romance. Gene knows about this and accepts it.

- Roger has been with Edith for 30 years. While he loves her and doesn’t want to leave her and break up their family, they have little in common and little to say to each other. Roger has another relationship with Angie - a deeply connected emotionally and sexually intimate relationship. Edith knows about this, as Roger spends half his time with Angie. While Edith doesn’t like this, she has accepted it rather than end their marriage.

What I see is that there are basically two major reasons people have affairs, the first being far more prevalent than the second:

* They are addicted to getting filled up and getting their sense of worth through sex or conquest. They are needy people who emotionally abandon themselves and use sex or power to fill the inner black hole that comes from their self-abandonment. These people generally have multiple affairs.

* They are in a long-term marriage that they don’t want to leave, but the marriage is completely unfulfilling. These people do not have multiple affairs, but have a committed relationship with another person while staying married. Their partners generally know about it.

Most people who cheat are unwilling to do the inner work necessary to fill their own inner emptiness. Their cheating is addictive, and it is likely that they are also participating in other addictions to fill their emptiness - smoking, drinking, drugs, spending, gambling, food, work, TV, and so on. Until they decide to learn how to love themselves and take responsibility for their own feelings, it is unlikely that they will stop cheating.

Author Bio: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding.

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