Togetherness in Marriage: What is It?

April 30, 2010 | Leave a Comment

Waxing poetic on the subject of love and marriage, Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Gibran is not suggesting that couples take an occasional breather from each other (although that might be a good idea, too). In beautiful, lyrical language Gibran reminds us not to lose ourselves in our relationship, but to maintain our individuality, and that by doing so we are stronger as a couple.

The passage includes this, ” And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart . . .” I would happily trade a valuable body part for the ability to write like Gibran but no one has offered that deal so I’m stuck with elaborating in my far less lyrical way. “Togetherness” is not about being joined at the hip. “Togetherness” is about the emotional and mental bond that connects you and, like the pillars of the temple, supports your relationship even when you are physically separated. It’s the reservoir of strength you draw on when you need to be strong. It’s the hand at your back when you need encouragement. It’s the well of confidence you tap into when your self-belief wavers.

The Gibran passage concludes with, “And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” “Togetherness” is not about being each other’s clone. It’s the freedom to be who you are without fear of losing love. It’s permission to make mistakes, change and grow. It’s willingness to learn at each other’s knee.

“Togetherness” is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy and when you experience unadulterated togetherness, it’s akin to being in a state of grace.

So, look, the next time you’re about to make some snarky comment to your sweetie, or let loose with a piece of your mind, or turn a cold shoulder, or go to that he’s-such-a-jerk or she’s-such-a-witch place, or “forget” to keep a promise, or shrug off your partner’s wishes, or, well, you get the picture, ask yourself if what you’re about to say or do will put a chink in your “togetherness.” Too many chinks and you’ll slip right into “aloneness” and that sucks. Protect and honor your “togetherness” by being thoughtful, kind, loving, generous, supportive, understanding and, well, you get the picture here, too.

From Gibran . . .
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

From me . . .
“Togetherness.” It’s way cool. Go for it.

Author Bio: Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles - Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.

How To Stop A Divorce In Five Easy Steps

April 29, 2010 | Leave a Comment

With the divorce rate rising on what appears to be a daily basis, it is no surprise that people are wondering how to stop a divorce. The good news is that it can be done, it is relatively easy when you put these five steps into action.

1. Find time for each other:
   Your relationship will not survive unless you find time for each other and do this regularly. This doesn’t mean throwing the odd comment at one another over the dinner table when the kids are fighting but actually making an effort to communicate. Put the kids to bed, switch the TV or computer off and sit down and have a chat.  Talk about your day, your feelings and any issues that are worrying you.  By maintaining open lines of communication you are less likely to have disagreements and misunderstandings over trivial things. Yes you will still fight but that is completely natural and can be a good thing if it leads to a nice making up session.
2. Always show respect for one another:
   No matter how long you have been together you should always show respect for your partner. Give them time for themselves and don’t expect to occupy their every waking moment. There will be times when your partner is going through a difficult time either because of work or personal problems that have nothing to do with your relationship. Be there for them at this time. This doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem as that will not always be possible but if they know they have your support, it will help a lot.
3. Never put one another down:
   You should never put your partner down not even in private. When someone loves another person, they tend to open up to them and share intimate details that they would not share with anyone else. If that partner then uses this knowledge to put them down, the hurt can be enormous.  So be careful and try and think before you open your mouth. If you do insult them, be quick to apologize and reassure them you didn’t mean it.
4. Show appreciation:
   We are all guilty of taking things for granted including our health, our jobs and probably our partners. You need to make a conscious effort to show your partner appreciation for their efforts.  You know your partner and this means understanding how they like to be shown appreciation. For some people telling them verbally works while for others, they need gestures rather than just words.  Taking time to complement your other half will increase your mutual appreciation and the bond between you making divorce less likely.
5. Show forgiveness:
   We all mess up occasionally and rather than holding onto this incident, why not practice forgiveness. You never know when you will mess up and you will want your partner to return the favor.  Nobody is perfect and you will have a much happier life if you don’t keep expecting them to be.

Follow these five tips and you should never need to know how to stop a divorce!