Improving Intimacy in Marriage

September 20, 2009 | Leave a Comment

About Marriage Intimacy

Intimacy is the cornerstone of marriage and it encompasses every aspect of a relationship including the physical, emotional, and spiritual connection between two people. Physical intimacy is often what sparks a relationship but what keeps the spark alive is the emotional and spiritual connection that forms over time. The benefits of intimacy in marriage are far reaching. Healthy intimacy is not only good for the couple but its by-products spill over into the lives of their children, friends, family members, and even beyond to their work environment and community.

The Challenge of Maintaining Intimacy

Many couples experience a point when intimacy takes a backseat to everything else that’s happening in life - careers, the house, the children, and just generally surviving day to day. Maintaining the level of intimacy that exists in the beginning of a relationship can prove challenging and, worse, the loss of intimacy can be a major source of stress and difficulty in marriage. So many couples find themselves in this position, especially as life gets more complicated with home ownership, children, and careers. It’s so important at this point to find a way to reclaim intimacy. If it was there in the beginning, it’s possible to get it back. Couples first need to recognize the importance of intimacy in marriage and set an intention to reclaim it and strengthen it. We grow as people, as couples, and as families, and intimacy has to grow as well. This is the bond that started it all and it’s ultimately the bond that will keep it together.

Frequent Foreplay Miles®

Frequent Foreplay Miles® - Your Ticket to Total Intimacy

Frequent Foreplay Miles® is a program developed by Shela Dean, a relationship coach and speaker, that helps couples improve intimacy in marriage. The strategy is easy, fun, and, best of all, it works! The goal is to attain Total Intimacy which is when:

* A couple is so connected in mind and heart that a physical bond develops

Couples are comfortable with sharing their innermost thoughts, needs, and desires

* Couples are supportive of each other in every way and know that they are supported

* Couples can trust that even when there are difficulties, each knows that they acted with the best of intentions

* Intimacy in marriage will continue to improve and grow and the sexual relationship will flourish.

Improving Intimacy - The Strategy

The Frequent Foreplay Miles® program encourages couples to act on their natural tendency to “keep score in marriage” and to use that score to communicate better with their partner, decreasing the chances of harboring grudges and holding in silent resentment.

In its simplest form, the idea is to see every occasion as an opportunity for “emotional foreplay” by doing something thoughtful or special for your partner, and even more importantly, by handling everyday interactions in a way that resonates with your partner’s view of how things should be.

At a deeper level, the concept helps you discover what Shela Dean, the pioneer of Frequent Foreplay Miles, calls your Foreplay Navigator. In that way, you rack up the miles. On the other hand, an act that may be selfish, thoughtless, or uncompromising will detract from your Miles. All the little, daily acts between partners that may seem insignificant at the time can have a serious cumulative effect on the relationship - in both good and negative ways.

The Frequent Foreplay Miles program opens up the avenues of communication for couples to reveal their true feelings and thoughts about themselves and each other in a comforting and safe environment. It helps get couples on the same page, and, even when they’re not on the same page, they can be confident that the other will understand his or her perspective.

Intimacy in Marriage Book

Shela Dean’s book, Frequent Foreplay Miles - Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, is set to be released in September 2009. You can read an excerpt and order your copy at http://www.FrequentForeplayMiles.com.

So many couples have identified with the strategy in this book and improved their level of marital intimacy without formal relationship counseling or therapy. Couples who had lost that early spark used this program to rekindle their intimacy and nurture their relationship without it ever having become a troubled marriage.

This fun and effective program gets right to the heart of communication and understanding between partners to help increase marital intimacy and build a foundation of strength and growth between them.

About Shela Dean: Shela Dean is Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles - Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey towards improving intimacy and strengthening marital bonds.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Marriage Advice 

It’s Fear of Intimacy, Not Lack of Time

July 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Eric had just been promoted to Vice President of Marketing. It had been an important goal and much sacrifice was involved. Yet, he immediately began experiencing anxiety attacks. In talking about his life, he shared a picture of a marriage that was good in many respects, but lacking intimacy in terms of an insufficient sharing of feelings and an inadequate sexual relationship. His issue, not uncommon for men, was his fear that he would not be able to live up to the new expectations that came with his promotion. Interestingly, Eric was not just concerned about disappointing his CEO but also his wife.

A mother who had very high expectations for him had raised Eric and, in his mind, she had withdrawn her affection whenever his achievements disappointed her. Clearly he seemed to be projecting this same expectation onto his wife, Alissa. She had experienced a difficult childhood in which her father had left the family when she was a child and she became a primary caretaker of her younger siblings. Like many women, Alissa felt it was her responsibility to “fix” relationship problems, but she was hindered by her deep fear that she would be abandoned in a close relationship. Each spouse was living with these concerns but either unaware or unwilling to share them. When Eric finally shared his fear of disappointing Alissa, she was able to share her fear that his success would result in his leaving her. Their ability to share these fears, which reflected a significant risk-taking for both, brought them much closer together.

We all bring “baggage” from our early years into our significant relationships. A father who worked long hours and wasn’t available, a mother who screamed a lot, a father or mother who had a drinking problem, a sibling who tormented us or set standards we felt we couldn’t live up to, a death of a sibling, or a divorce. The list is lengthy and the events can be obvious or subtle. Also, the impact will vary among the children based on the latter’s different personalities and the timing in their lives. This is not about blaming parents for the problems in our lives. This is about understanding the dependency and vulnerability of children, the way they view the world, and the resulting concerns that they nearly always bring with them into their adult lives about trust, intimacy, and fears of loss and abandonment. Even in the best of family environments, children not only experience painful disappointments but also are faced with the daunting task of separating from their primary caretakers.

For many years couples have focused on how the lack of time in their beleaguered lives is the primary reason why their marriages have lacked intimacy. Of course, the chronic pattern of pushing marital needs to the end of lengthy “TO DO” lists sabotages closeness and partnership. But is it simply a lack of time or is it just another way to deal with the scariest aspect of relationships?

Intimacy is very risky. It requires making such a serious commitment to the relationship that each person will experience a sense of dependency on the other. To admit to needing someone else is to risk loss and deep hurt. For ALL of us, this is difficult. Dependency is a negative concept in our society. Men, especially, are taught to strive for independence. The joke about men not asking for directions is not really very funny when you realize it is imbedded into the training of most males not to admit to needing help. Dependency has been feminized over the years and inappropriately labeled as a weakness. This is part of how society’s message affects its members.

Intimacy is more than admitting to needing others. It also requires a sharing of one’s fears and dreams, a process that contributes to a strong feeling of vulnerability. Each of us carries enough self-doubt, guilt, and shame to make the process of sharing our private worlds scary. It is hard for most of us to believe that if someone else REALLY knows us, they will still love us. The very nature of falling in love contributes significantly to this problem. We idealize our partner when our hearts shape our visions and expectations of this special person. Ultimately we become trapped in the curse of not being able to live up to those unrealistic expectations. In this context, it is even more difficult to admit to our failings and fears.

Given all of these factors, it is no wonder that couples find it very difficult to establish an intimate marriage. Couples carry out a “dance of intimacy” in which they get as close as either or both can tolerate and then they have an argument or do something that permits a pulling back to a safe distance. It is this “dance” that is central to decisions to not make time to talk to each other, not go out and have fun together, go to bed at different times, rarely make love, keep monies separate, or, simply, keep their lives separate.

When couples face these fears, on their own or with the help of a therapist, it is often amazing how they can make changes that result in increased intimacy. They may arrange to go to bed at the same time, find a way to have an occasional meal alone, talk to each other more frequently, make love more frequently, stop allowing children to dominate their marriage, or simply admit they really need and want each other. The fighting decreases because it is no longer needed to protect their “secrets.” The time factor, while still a challenge, is no longer the excuse for a poor relationship. In fact a contradiction often occurs: Spending more time as a couple ends up saving time. Their relationship, as spouses and parents, becomes more efficient because they are in sync. So don’t get stuck in saying there’s not enough time for the relationship. Think about other reasons why getting close might be scary. Then do something to change it.

Author Bio: Dr. Heller is a clinical psychologist, now retired, who specialized in providing services to children, families, and couples since 1968. He has written over 170 columns about parenting and marriage which are available on his website, http://www.drheller.com.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Marriage Advice 

Secrets Of Happy And Long-Lasting Marriage - Sound Difficult? Not So…

June 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Do you still remember the moment you together with your husband or wife swear in front of the altar that you will be keeping your marriage vows in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, and until death do your part? Good for the two of you if you still keep that scared vows you have made when you were married. Unfortunately, there are couples who happen to be filing divorces for different grounds.

Why there are couples who are making separate ways after they have taken that marriage vows? There are many reasons to mention, but the gravest of all is the loss of love and trust to one another. All the problems are rooted from this reason. How will you trust your partner if you do not love him/her? How will you love your partner if you do not trust him/her? These two questions will lead you to a very serious one, “How will I make our marriage happy and long-lasting?”

That is not a new question for every couple. Before marriage, they are exactly asking the same question. But this time, it is really serious. Remember that you have sworn before God that you will love and take care of each other until death, or even after death.

As mentioned earlier, the gravest reason of divorcing couples is the lack of love and trust. So what will you do to maintain or in case lost, return it in your relationship?

First thing to do is to have an open communication. One of the reasons of lack of trust is miscommunication. For instance, there will be an instance where you will not be revealing your problem to your partner even though he or she already noticed it. First thing that will come to his or her mind is that you do not trust her anymore because you are not revealing your problem.

Find ways of opening your communication. Have a talk every night before you sleep. You can confer to your partner experiences of the previous day. Let your partner know that you want him or her to be a part of everything you are experiencing with, most especially on cases when you have problems.

Another is to make sacrifices on some circumstances. It is one of the secrets to have a happy and long-lasting marriage. Both of you should be prepared to put your partner’s happiness ahead of your own from time to time.

There are instances that small problems become large problems if you will be showing that you are the boss of the relationship. You must learn to give way, after all a happy marriage is allowing your partner to be satisfied with your relationship. For instance, you can volunteer yourself on washing the dishes after dinner. Just see the smile on the face of your wife if you will do such small things for them. In addition, it also shows that you care for your partner.

Always be careful with your finances. If you do not handle your financial situation carefully, it can destroy your marriage. When financial crisis arise, it is important that the two of you should discuss the problem so that you are both aware of the situation you are facing and at the same time finding solutions. Working together on this particular issue will make each other feel that each of you is an integral part of the decision making process.

There are so many variables that affect your marriage. Just remember that love and trust will bind you together. Make each other realize that the two of you must continuously work on all of these aspects to ensure that your marriage will be happy and long-lasting through the rest of your lives.

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Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Marriage Advice 

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