Healing A Broken Relationship

January 28, 2010 | Leave a Comment

Healing a broken relationship isn’t hopeless, but it will be a challenge.  How much of a challenge will depend on many things.

One of the first things that will factor into how you should go about fixing your relationship is why the relationship is in trouble in the first place.  Is your relationship broken because of infidelity?  If so, was it you or your partner that cheated?  This type of relationship can be fixed but it is the hardest thing to overcome and both partners have to be willing to work very hard to make things right.

With infidelity it would seem like the partner who cheated would have to do all the work, but that isn’t really the case.  The truth of the matter is that it will take just as much work for the person who was cheated on to try to overcome their fear of being hurt again, their mistrust of their partner, as well as their anger and desire for revenge.

If your relationship has broken down more gradually over time, this might be a little easier to mend.  Of course, it will still take time and work and you both will need to be 100% committed to working on it.  Many relationships in this category die like a plant in a garden, from lack of nurturing.  It’s not usually a big thing that ends it but rather a series of small, seemingly unimportant, things that will weaken the relationship to the point where it will break very easily.

This type of relationship will take an honest assessment of what each of you has done, or not done, to weaken the relationship.  Once you’ve both admitted the part you’ve played in the breakdown of the relationship, at least to yourself, it’s time to sit down with your partner and honestly discuss what went wrong, what you think needs to be done to make it right, as well as what you personally are willing do to fix the relationship.

This part of the process will be very difficult and will often lead to some horrendous fights.  Why? Because this is the part where you will have to listen to your partner tell you why they aren’t happy with you.  This won’t be easy for you to hear.  And the same goes for your partner when it’s your turn to talk.  Very often one partner won’t be able to deal with what they perceive as criticism when their partner is trying to explain why they aren’t happy.  Once that happens it will often end up in a screaming match and nothing will get accomplished.

This is the point where you, and your partner, will need to grow up. If neither one of you is able to calmly listen to your partner while they try to explain what has made them unhappy in the relationship you won’t have any chance at all of working things out.

Healing a broken relationship isn’t impossible, but it will take work.  If you or your partner aren’t able to be mature and able to face your faults and be willing to work on changing them then you will have a much harder time of fixing your relationship.

The Emotional Stages Of A Relationship Breakup

November 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment

The emotional roller coaster of a painful breakup generally affects both parties in similar ways.  The intensity may be different for the person who wanted the breakup than for the ‘dumpee’, but both people will go through the emotional stages of a relationship breakup.

Knowing and recognizing the different steps for what they are can help you move through the process a little easier.  Each stage is necessary so you can heal and be whole and able to find love again some day.  Don’t try to shortcut the steps, just remember that after you’ve gone through each step you will be on the road to feeling better.

There is no time limit for how long each step should take to get through. How long it takes will depend on a lot of things such as how secure you are in  yourself and what type of a support system you have.

Here are the 5 major steps in a relationship breakup:

1. Pain

   This will often hit hard and fast.  At first the pain can be diminished somewhat by a feeling of disbelief but once that passes the pain can seem unbearable.  This is a physical pain.  You might not be able to eat or sleep.  Everything seems like too much effort. You just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone.

2. Denial

   This is the step when you start thinking that it is all a big mistake and surely your ex will realize it very soon and the two of you will be back together.  That can be a dangerous way to think.  It is important that you try to move through this stage as quickly as possible.  Lingering too long in this stage can really make it harder to heal and move on.

3. Anger

   This is when all your fear and hurt turns to anger. You are outraged that someone who claimed to love you could hurt you so deeply. This stage is very destructive and hurtful to both parties and if you’re not careful how you handle this stage you migh sabotage any chances you have of getting back together.It’s also important to make sure you don’t become overly bitter. If you let that bitterness grow too strong it could follow you into other relationships making it harder to ever having a fulfilling relationship again.

4. Grieving

   At this stage you will mourn your lost relationship.  You will often spend a lot of time reminiscing about all the good times the two of you had shared.  It is very important to keep a close watch on your mental health during this stage.If you ever feel like ‘ending it all’ make sure you seek help immediately.  It is impossible to believe while going through this but you really will love again, if you allow yourself to.

5. Acceptance

   You will finally reach a point where you realize it’s over.  You are stronger and better able to start thinking more about your future and less about your past. This time can be bittersweet: you’ve realized and dealt with the fact that your relationship is over which is sad, but you’re also excited about new opportunities and convinced you will find love again.

The more you know about the  emotional stages of a relationship breakup and how to deal with them the easier and quicker you can move on from living in the past to a bright new future.  Just make sure you understand that this is all normal and it will get better, just hang in there.

How To Build Trust In A Relationship

October 15, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Building trust in a relationship can be very difficult depending on the circumstances. If one partner had an affair, then it may take several years to build trust in a relationship.  It can be done and marriages survive affairs but it will take time. The person who had the affair will need to apologise to his/her partner and then be prepared for that person to learn to trust them again.

But trust is something that needs to be built up in every partnership. After all you are going to share your life with this other person so you need to know that they share the same values as you do. If you are trying to build mutual reliance there are several ways of doing this:

1) Make sure your words and actions match. If you say you are going to be home at a certain time, then make sure you are or else phone in advance to explain why. It is the little gestures that define who we are.

2) Always tell the truth no matter how painful. Lies destroy every type of relationship from friendships through to marriage. Telling the truth isn’t always the easy option but it is the safest. If your partner knows that you always tell the truth, they will trust you much quicker. If they hear you telling lies to others, even those that you dismiss as being small or white lies, they will have less belief in you.

3) Do not keep secrets when in a relationship. Now I don’t mean that you have to tell your new boyfriend or girlfriend your deepest secrets but as soon as the relationship looks like it is becoming serious, it is a good time to make sure that any relevant history is out in the open.

4) You need to have faith in your partner before expecting them to return that trust. If you have to text them morning and night wondering where they are and who they are with, they are likely to think you have something to hide.

5) Don’t be unrealistic. All relationships have issues even those that have been happily married for 50 years. You need to accept that being part of a couple means that you take the good times and the bad. If you bolt at the first sign of trouble, your partner is never likely to trust you.

6) Finally rely on yourself to do the right thing. You must first know yourself and trust in your ability to make the right choices before you can trust anyone else. You have to know what your own goals and aspirations are in life before you can share a meaningful existence with someone else. Somebody with a defined sense of values is more likely to trust another person as they will quickly recognise these similar values.

All good relationships are built on a number of factors so learn how to build trust in a relationship now to increase your chance of success.

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