Help Prevent Marriage Failure
May 19, 2010 | Leave a Comment
If you are worried about marriage failure, you must sense that all is not rosy in your own love affair. Don’t panic, as most marriages go through periods where it seems that the divorce courts are getting nearer but it doesn’t have to end this way.
If you have children, you need to get a babysitter. Make a date with your husband away from your home. Go to a restaurant or bar as being in public reduces the risk of your conversation turning into a full scale row. However, leave the booze alone unless of course you have something to celebrate at the end of the day. It is difficult enough to discuss the issues or problems you are facing in your relationship without having an alcohol induced haze to fight as well.
It is important to take this discussion to neutral territory for a number of reasons. For one thing you have a duty to protect your kids from seeing the worst of the arguments between mom and dad. Now don’t get me wrong. Your children will benefit from seeing their parents have mutual disagreements as that is life – bringing kids up to believe that the world is a happy place all the time is just silly and in the long term detrimental to their well being. But you need to show them that married couples can argue and remain happily involved. They can disagree but come to a solution together without getting abusive or making appointments with divorce lawyers.
Before you go to this date make a list of all the things you love about your partner and all the things that drive you nuts. Hopefully the first list will be longer! Also try reading a couple of self help relationship counseling books as these can really help you to put things into perspective. I highly recommend reading the Magic of Making Up as it has saved countless marriages and relationships.
When you do go on your date, be careful how you approach your other half. If you start the evening off with “I hate it when” or “look at this list I made of all the reasons you annoy me” you are doomed to failure. You don’t want to attack your partner. OK, you may be angry and you may even have plenty of justification for being very angry but think about what you are trying to achieve.
You do not want your relationship to be another marriage failure statistic. Virtually any relationship can be saved if both parties want it to happen. You may have to persuade your partner that it is worth saving what you have. You will both have to work hard and the next few months may well be the most difficult you have yet encountered in the history of your relationship. But when you get through it you will find that your marriage is stronger and happier than it ever was. Now isn’t that worth fighting for?
Togetherness in Marriage: What is It?
April 30, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Waxing poetic on the subject of love and marriage, Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Gibran is not suggesting that couples take an occasional breather from each other (although that might be a good idea, too). In beautiful, lyrical language Gibran reminds us not to lose ourselves in our relationship, but to maintain our individuality, and that by doing so we are stronger as a couple.
The passage includes this, ” And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart . . .” I would happily trade a valuable body part for the ability to write like Gibran but no one has offered that deal so I’m stuck with elaborating in my far less lyrical way. “Togetherness” is not about being joined at the hip. “Togetherness” is about the emotional and mental bond that connects you and, like the pillars of the temple, supports your relationship even when you are physically separated. It’s the reservoir of strength you draw on when you need to be strong. It’s the hand at your back when you need encouragement. It’s the well of confidence you tap into when your self-belief wavers.
The Gibran passage concludes with, “And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” “Togetherness” is not about being each other’s clone. It’s the freedom to be who you are without fear of losing love. It’s permission to make mistakes, change and grow. It’s willingness to learn at each other’s knee.
“Togetherness” is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy and when you experience unadulterated togetherness, it’s akin to being in a state of grace.
So, look, the next time you’re about to make some snarky comment to your sweetie, or let loose with a piece of your mind, or turn a cold shoulder, or go to that he’s-such-a-jerk or she’s-such-a-witch place, or “forget” to keep a promise, or shrug off your partner’s wishes, or, well, you get the picture, ask yourself if what you’re about to say or do will put a chink in your “togetherness.” Too many chinks and you’ll slip right into “aloneness” and that sucks. Protect and honor your “togetherness” by being thoughtful, kind, loving, generous, supportive, understanding and, well, you get the picture here, too.
From Gibran . . .
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
From me . . .
“Togetherness.” It’s way cool. Go for it.
Author Bio: Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
Marriage and Partnership – The Power of Two
January 25, 2010 | Leave a Comment
The exponential power of two. It’s one of the great things about being in a committed relationship. When there’s dry cleaning to pick up, groceries to buy, a dog to walk, a UPS truck that’s expected, a lawn that needs mowing, a kid with a tummy ache, windows to wash, and dinner to prepare, having someone share the load makes life a lot easier.
Ditto when you hit the rough spots. Double ditto when you face challenges. Cranky and downright unpleasant. We’ve all been there. Down in the dumps just ‘cuz, or angry over the promotion that went to the bozo instead of you, faced with a scary medical procedure, disappointed by a friend, unhappy on the job, worried about a failing parent, or at wit’s end over your mouthy teenager’s attitude. Scared, nervous, insecure. We’ve all been there, too. Times when we need to accomplish something extra, push ourselves further, and stretch beyond where we think possible. Life. It’s not always smooth sailing. How much easier it is, however, to navigate turbulent times when there’s somebody on your side who believes in you, gently nudges you forward, cheers you on, and has button-busting pride in your accomplishments.
There was a time in my life when I had a difficult decision to make, when I had to either “fish or cut bait,” and “fishing” meant committing $10,000 of hard-earned dollars. I was terrified to take that step. I was terrified not to. I was paralyzed. My husband Dale said to me, “My arm is around your shoulder, my hand is at your back, and I walk by your side. You know what you need to do. Now, my love, go do it.” I took that step, made that commitment, and it led to the publication of my first book. I have never felt more supported or more loved than I did at that moment. And, believe me, a guy like that can get away with imperfections I’ll happily overlook. Being supportive is the loving thing to do. It’s also in your best interest. You’ll rack up more points (or what Dale and I call Frequent Foreplay Miles) than you can ever use. Don’t you just love a win-win?
Is there a time in your relationship when your sweetheart made a difference in your life? If so, then remember this: When your sweetheart is cranky and irritable, or scared and insecure, or for whatever reason is less than the cheerful, high-on-life love bug you’ve come to know, you’ve got an opportunity to return the favor. Take a deep breath, avoid knee jerk (emphasis on jerk) reactions, and be a supportive partner whether the situation is monumental or nothing more than irritation at having gotten a speeding ticket. Being a supportive partner sometimes means sitting silently while your sweetheart vents. Sometimes it means encouragement to offset insecurity. Sometimes it means being brave even when you, too, are afraid. And sometimes it just means loving your partner through his or her indulgently bad behavior.
In the movie, Rocky said to Adrian, “I got gaps. You got gaps. We fill each others gaps.” The power of two. Wow.
Author Bio: Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy. Her book and advice have helped many couples in their journey towards improving intimacy and strengthening marital bonds.