Steps That You Must Do to Improve Your Marriage
May 2, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Marriage is nothing like a good old fairy tale; it doesn’t always end up having a happy ending. Even though all of us would want to have a long lasting relationship, things just happen sometimes. And it is beyond our control. Now, all we can do is to try our best to keep the love and romance alive. Our communication lines must be kept open as well.
The following are some steps that you must to improve your marriage:
Step 1 Communication - Even if you have been together for quite a while now, it is best that you keep and maintain an open communication between you and your partner. Once this is compromised, it will be hard for the both of you to fix things immediately. This will only result to more conflicts between the two of you, and it may also lead to separation. So to avoid ignoring each other, try to keep your communication line as open as possible. Discuss things before it gets worse. A harmonious relationship needs an open communication between husbands and wives.
Step 2 Keep the love alive – This may sound corny, but if you can actually keep the love alive in your marriage this will bring nothing but a happy marriage. You can actually do a lot of things with your partner in this aspect. Get creative and imaginative every now and then. Try to spice up nights with your partner, and make him fall in love with you over and over again.
Step 3 Giving spaces to each other – Yes, you two are married, it does not necessarily mean that you two have to be with each other 24/7 or even 365 days a year. Why not try to give each other a much needed space, and let both of you be with yourself every now and then. That way the both of you will not feel constricted or be in a position that you two finally are tired of each other. Set a night out with your friends, and let your partner be able to go out with his friends as well. That way, both of you will be able to enjoy other persons company, without ending in a fight since someone went out without asking one’s permission.
Step 4 Trust is vital – The main foundation of any relationship is trust. Once it is broken it will be hard for you or your partner to get it back. But on the other hand, the lack of it also causes break ups. So give the trust that your spouse deserves and in turn you will get the one that you deserve as well.
Marriage is a two way road; you can’t basically ask for things and not give things back to your partner. Talking things out with your partner will let the both of you know your current standing. Being able to trust someone and being trusted in return is something that money can’t buy. Keep the relationship alive and in turn you too can get your happy ever after.
About the Author (Irsan Gao): Irsan’s passion is to write on variety of subjects. Please visit her latest website at kitchenaid ice maker which contains reviews and best prices on commercial ice makers and other information about ice makers or ice machines.
How To Get Your Spouse To Hear You
April 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Recently I had a series of private phone sessions with a person who was very frustrated. Listen to how this person described their situation. I bet you’ll be able to relate to it.
This person said they felt trapped in their basement trying to communicate with their spouse via Morse Code. They said they were banging on the pipes trying desperately to be heard. They would bang on the pipes and wait for a response. Bang and wait…bang and wait…bang and wait. But each time they finished banging, there was silence. No matter how hard they banged and no matter how long they waited; their spouse never heard them.
Are you trying to get heard? Do you feel ignored? Is your spouse not responding to your communication?
We live in an interesting time. With one click, you can communicate with anyone in the world. It’s easy, quick, and free. You even have options. If you don’t want to click, you could dial, beep, page, instant-message, or Fed Ex. It’s true. Your ability to communicate with the outside world has become increasingly easy. But my guess is that your ability to communicate with your spouse has become increasingly difficult.
The reason for this is that most people confuse INFORMATION communication with PERSONAL communication. Technological advancements give us all sorts of options to communicate information. But how do you feel the pulse of someone’s soul? How do you communicate the subtleties in your heart? You can’t text message that. You can have the latest and greatest in communication gadgets, but it won’t matter. PERSONAL communication is a whole different ball game. And it’s PERSONAL communication that determines the success or failure of your marriage.
I’m reminded of a scene from a Broadway play. A man and woman happen to meet on a train and engage in polite conversation. They were both headed home to New York after a day in New Haven, CT. After further discussion, they learned that they were going to the same building on Fifth Avenue. Lo and behold they discovered that they had the same daughter and lived in the same apartment. They finally discovered that they were husband and wife.
You know what’s killing marriages these days? EMAIL! More and more I’m seeing husbands and wives resort to email to communicate with each other. You want to do something tangible TODAY to improve your marriage? STOP EMAILING YOUR SPOUSE! Email is for INFORMATION. But in a marriage you’ve got to HEAR each other. And I don’t mean hear the sounds of each other’s words. You’ve got to be able to hear the silence between the sounds and interpret the unspoken meaning of a pressed lips or teary eyes. You’ve got to be able to hear the shapes and sounds in each other’s heart. You can NOT accomplish this via email.
And let me be clear about something; you can’t do it with communication techniques either. There’s no clinical communication therapy that can help you and your spouse think each other’s thoughts, feel each other joy, and cringe from each other’s pain. My 1-on-1 phone session schedule and the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp are filled with casualties from traditional communication strategies and the usual marriage counseling approach. If you’re like most people with marriage trouble, you’ve been down that path and you know that it does NOT work.
Today my 4-year-old son came to me with a bruise on his leg. He was crying and I could see that it was black and blue. He said, “Daddy, I need a band-aide.”
I responded, “But it’s not bleeding.”
He said again, “Daddy, can you put a band-aide on it?”
I realized that my son’s perspective was that when something hurts a band-aide makes it better…even if it’s a bruise and not a cut.
So what does this have to do with communication in a marriage? Because most people think that if spouses aren’t hearing each other that communication techniques will solve the problem. But that’s like putting a band-aide on a bruise. It’s the wrong solution.
Communication techniques can help colleagues transmit INFORMATION clearly. Communication techniques belong in seminars that teach negotiation and sales. But you’re not trying to complete a transaction with your spouse; you’re trying to renew a relationship. I can almost guarantee you that your problem is not clarity; it’s concern. Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.
How do you get back to the place where you and your spouse care again?
This is one of the things that’s unique about the Marriage Fitness approach to repairing a relationship versus traditional counseling. Most approaches to marriage success preach communication skills. But communicating effectively will NOT create love in your marriage. In fact, the correlation is the opposite. Creating love in your marriage paves the way for effective communication. I’ll prove it to you.
Think about when you fell in love. How was your communication? Good, right? In fact, when you’re in love, you communicate with the wink of an eye and you can finish each other’s sentences. And yet you haven’t known each other that long and you haven’t learned any communication techniques.
Then, years later, after getting to know each other inside and out, employing psychologically tested and proven communication strategies, and taking into account all the differences between Mars and Venus, you can’t get through to each other.
Listen carefully: Communication has very little to do with techniques or knowledge of each other. It has everything to do with the depth of connection between the communicators.
The question you should be asking is NOT, “How do I communicate effectively with my spouse.” The question you should be asking is, “How do I connect with my spouse again?” Once you reconnect, you won’t be sitting in silence in the basement. You’ll hear the sound of the pipes from above. It’ll be your spouse. You were heard.
About the Author: If you want to learn how to connect with your spouse again, subscribe to Mort Fertel’s FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and get his FREE marriage assessment. CLICK HERE to subscribe. It’s FREE.
4 Concepts in Clear Communication Within a Marriage
December 31, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Has something recently gone wrong in your marriage, causing one or both of you to lose faith slightly? Often, the key to resolving these types of issues is good communication.
The typical scenario many couples face goes something like this: you were both going about your lives and enjoying your relationship, when you started to notice that things between you were not quite the same as they used to be. Communication started to break down and things got off track. Never fear – it is possible to learn good communication skills to improve your marriage and rekindle your love.
Here are 4 concepts in clear communication within a marriage that can help you both dig yourselves out of your communication hole:
1 – Letting Go of the Need to be Right
Start by asking yourself these four questions:
- Are the issues that led to your communication breakdown really important enough to warrant such a rift in your relationship?
- Are the root causes of your recent problems even worth arguing about?
- By taking the particular stand or position that you have taken regarding these issues, do you really come out ahead in terms of your overall life goals and happiness?
- Could the potential outcome of this underlying issue substantially affect your life plans together in terms of finances, your sex life, your children, your home, or other potentially major aspect of your life?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, the wisest thing to do at this point may be to drop the issue entirely so that you can both focus on getting to the heart of your communication issues. Many communication issues can be avoided if one or both of you can manage to take a softer stance on the issues that affect you most. Believe it or not, most argument are completely unnecessary and could be overcome if both of you could agree that it is more important to be loved than to be right.
2 – Avoid Playing into What You Think Your Partner Wants
The next key communication concept is that of worrying less about how your spouse is perceiving you or how they expect you to act. It does not make sense to work too hard at trying to be someone you are not. If you do, you will end up wasting your energy and you will not able to keep up your false appearances for long. It is important let go of your concerns about how he or she sees you so that you can just be yourself. You will please your husband or wife the most when you are comfortable in your own skin and are being your true self.
3 – Give Yourself the Space You Need
At times when you are feeling frustrated about your relationship or are feeling disrespected by your mate, it is important to give yourself the space you need. While the importance of doing so may not be immediately obvious, it is an important step in learning how to repair your relationship. Whenever you feel like communication has broken down between you and your spouse, remove yourself from the situation in order to get your bearings. When you feel calmer and more relaxed, you will both be able to work from a position of strength.
4 – Take an Unbiased Approach When Analyzing Your Communication Issues
Once you have cleared your head and found your space, it is time to coolly and calmly analyze your communication issues. Once you and your spouse have had the chance to get some distance from the situation, it is important that you both try to focus on the issues at hand rather than the raw emotion that may be getting in the way of clear communication. Avoid blame words and focus instead on your feelings.
These are just some of the concepts in clear communication within a marriage that I have come across after trying everything from self-help books to therapy to good old trial-and-error. I did not come up with these concepts myself, but I have used them to great success in my relationship. What helped the most was finding some real relationship gurus who have turned fixing communication and rekindling marital love into a true science.
Author Bio: If you have decided to commit yourself to making things work with your spouse, check out these tips from love experts who have helped thousands of others do the same at: www.in-your-arms.again.com