Never Get Married Because You’re In Love
May 28, 2009 | Leave a Comment
I’ll repeat that. Never get married because you’re in love.
Sounds crazy?
It’s not.
Let me tell you why.
Ever been to a single’s bar? Mosey on over to the one nearest you and watch what happens. When a man approaches a woman in a singles’ bar – or a woman approaches a man – they each know exactly one thing about the other: how they look. She’s attracted to him, he’s attracted to her. And that physical chemistry forms the basis of whatever relationship may or may not develop. Now, they may think they’re in love. But in fact, they are simply infatuated with each other.
Here’s one to remember: Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning. Chemistry – physical attraction – is not something to be ignored. But a deeply loving relationship based on mutual respect cannot stand on chemistry alone. That can only happen with someone whose character you can value and appreciate.
The best way (actually, the only way) to have a lasting relationship is to really look at the quality of the person you’re dating. That means being on the lookout for specific character traits, both positive and negative. The top four qualities to look for are humility, kindness, responsibility and happiness.
Humility. What is humility? Well, it is not being a doormat. Letting people walk all over you is not necessarily a sign of humility. It’s a sign of weakness.
Humble people are not weak. Humble people want to do the right thing rather than their thing, and that takes a lot of confidence and inner strength.
Someone who is humble will put values above convenience.
They can accept criticism without being defensive, because they’re committed to personal growth rather than to comfort.
A humble person will not get angry easily, because they don’t feel that anybody owes them anything. That’s the reason they also tend not to be materialistic.
Now, you may think that the above description applies only to angels. And it would be a mistake to narrow your search down to someone who has mastered all of the above qualities that go along with humility. Nobody’s perfect. But you should look for someone who values humility and is striving to achieve it. At the very least, ask yourself if the person you’re dating is arrogant. You definitely do not want to marry an arrogant person who feels that people owe him or her the world.
Kindness. Kindness is more than just being a nice person. If you ask most engaged couples if their intended spouse is kind, they’ll probably say yes. But the divorce rate is over 50%. If everybody is so kind, then why is the divorce rate so high? Because although people think that they’re kind, they really lack a depth of kindness.
So, what’s kindness? Being a kind person means being a giver, someone who’s committed to giving pleasure and minimizing other people’s pain. If two people like this get married, they are much less likely to suffer serious problems in their relationship. That’s because each one is dedicated to the other’s well-being.
How do you know if someone is truly a kind person? Look at how they treat the other people in their lives. How do they treat their parents, siblings and grandparents? Do they feel a sense of gratitude to their parents? If not, what makes you think they’ll feel any sort of gratitude towards you after you’re married?
Watch how they treat the “little people” towards whom they have no obligations – waiters, busboys, doormen, secretaries. How do they treat their employees? What’s their business reputation like? Are they ruthless?
Does the person you’re dating do volunteer work? If not, do they give charity? If the answer to both questions is no, that isn’t a good sign.
Do they drive courteously? What happens when they drink, when they lose control a little bit? How do they act?
Take note of the answers to these questions. Write them down so that you’ll have a whole picture in front of you when you need to make a decision about whether or not to continue a relationship.
Responsibility. First thing, ask yourself: Is this person irresponsible? If the answer is yes, be careful. You do not want to marry an irresponsible person. If your first, off the cuff answer is no, then check them out.
Do they have a stable work history? Do they have stable friendships? Do they have long-term friendships, or do they need to move around a lot?
Ask yourself: Can you rely on this person? Do you feel safe and secure with them? Another good question is to ask yourself is if you can trust what the other person says. Do they stand behind what they say? Do they live up to their commitments?
Happiness. You might be stumped on that one. Since when is happiness a character trait?
That all depends on how you define happiness. A happy person is someone who is basically content, who focuses on what they have, not on what they don’t have.
Life has no guarantees. Anyone can be dealt a hard blow. But a person who is internally happy will be able to get past life’s obstacles, whereas someone who is constantly focused on the negative will have a much harder time. And you want to be married to someone who can smile at life.
So remember: Never get married just because you’re in love – focus on character, not on chemistry. Look for a quality person to share your life with, someone humble, kind, responsible and happy.
You deserve no less!
About the author: David LeVine – Your search is ending! Now there is no excuse to put off meeting – and winning – your own soul mate. No more miserable dates. http://www.warmwisdompress.com/dating/
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
March 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.”
What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?
So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”
He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”
At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.
If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.
She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!
Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.
She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”
This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.
At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.” Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
This is your opportunity to grow to another level.
Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as “backing off” enhances one’s chance to save the marriage.
About the Author: Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love
March 21, 2009 | Leave a Comment
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.
This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.”
They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on the different kinds of affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site.
About the Author: Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.