Infidelity Excuse: I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love
March 21, 2009 | Leave a Comment
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.
This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.”
They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on the different kinds of affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site.
About the Author: Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Conflict: Why Do You Argue, Why Do You Fight in Conflict?
March 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment
Think about the last time you had a conflict with someone and you argued – with your partner, your friend, your parent, your child, or someone else in your life.
What did you argue about, and why did you spend your energy arguing or fighting?
Reasons for Arguing and Fighting
Here are some of the reasons you might argue and fight in conflict situations:
1. You believe that you can get the other person to see things your way – that if you say the right thing, be very convincing, be very logical and rational, be right, be parental, talk very loudly, yell, threaten, blame, attack, call names, or even hit – you can have control over getting the other person to think and feel the way you want. You believe that not only can you win, but that you can somehow have control over the other’s thoughts and feelings.
The problem is that, while you might be able to get control over another’s behavior, you cannot control their thought and feelings. No matter how right you are, another thoughts and feelings are not yours to control.
2. Dumping anger on another person may be a way of not dealing with your own feelings. Perhaps you are projecting your own self-abandonment onto the other person, i.e. you are not listening to or hearing yourself so you attack the other person for not listening to you or hearing. Or you are judging yourself so you attack the other person for judging you. If you are judging yourself or not listening to yourself and not taking responsibility for your own feelings, then you may be blaming the other person for the guilt, shame and aloneness you feel within.
3. Perhaps you are terrified that if you are open with the other person, especially your partner, that your partner will see things about you that he or she doesn’t like. You might be using fighting as a way to avoid true intimacy, while at the same time creating a connection through the fighting. The connection you feel through fighting might feel safer than creating true intimacy.
4. Perhaps you are afraid that if you get really close to someone, you will lose yourself or be taken advantage of. If this is the case, fighting might be a way to feel safe from engulfment. Once again, you can feel some connection through the fighting without actually having to feel close enough to lose yourself to the other person.
5. Perhaps arguing and fighting is the only way you know to assuage your fears of rejection. Fighting might give you a sense of control over not losing the other person.
6. Perhaps you feel frustrated and helpless in a job situation or a situation with someone else, and fighting with the person you are fighting with is a way to release the frustration and gain back a feeling of control.
7. Anger and arguing can be an addictive way of avoiding your feelings of aloneness and loneliness. All addictive behavior cover up painful feelings, and anger and arguing are no exceptions.
The Way Out of Arguing
Until you want 100% responsibility for all of your own feelings – your feelings of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, fear, hurt, loneliness, aloneness, helplessness over others and outcomes, and so on – you may continue to use arguing and fighting as ways to avoid this responsibility. Until you are ready to lovingly attend to your own feelings with a deep and compassionate desire to learn about your own thoughts, beliefs and behavior that create your feelings, you may be stuck trying to control others into making you feel better. And until you fully accept your lack of control over others thoughts and feelings, you might continue to attempt have control through arguing and fighting.
You will find that you stop arguing and fighting when you learn to take 100% responsibility for all your own feelings through the practice of Inner Bonding.
About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have discovered real love and intimacy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.