Togetherness in Marriage: What is It?
April 30, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Waxing poetic on the subject of love and marriage, Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” Gibran is not suggesting that couples take an occasional breather from each other (although that might be a good idea, too). In beautiful, lyrical language Gibran reminds us not to lose ourselves in our relationship, but to maintain our individuality, and that by doing so we are stronger as a couple.
The passage includes this, ” And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart . . .” I would happily trade a valuable body part for the ability to write like Gibran but no one has offered that deal so I’m stuck with elaborating in my far less lyrical way. “Togetherness” is not about being joined at the hip. “Togetherness” is about the emotional and mental bond that connects you and, like the pillars of the temple, supports your relationship even when you are physically separated. It’s the reservoir of strength you draw on when you need to be strong. It’s the hand at your back when you need encouragement. It’s the well of confidence you tap into when your self-belief wavers.
The Gibran passage concludes with, “And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” “Togetherness” is not about being each other’s clone. It’s the freedom to be who you are without fear of losing love. It’s permission to make mistakes, change and grow. It’s willingness to learn at each other’s knee.
“Togetherness” is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy and when you experience unadulterated togetherness, it’s akin to being in a state of grace.
So, look, the next time you’re about to make some snarky comment to your sweetie, or let loose with a piece of your mind, or turn a cold shoulder, or go to that he’s-such-a-jerk or she’s-such-a-witch place, or “forget” to keep a promise, or shrug off your partner’s wishes, or, well, you get the picture, ask yourself if what you’re about to say or do will put a chink in your “togetherness.” Too many chinks and you’ll slip right into “aloneness” and that sucks. Protect and honor your “togetherness” by being thoughtful, kind, loving, generous, supportive, understanding and, well, you get the picture here, too.
From Gibran . . .
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
From me . . .
“Togetherness.” It’s way cool. Go for it.
Author Bio: Shela Dean is a Relationship Happiness Coach, speaker, and Amazon bestselling author of Frequent Foreplay Miles – Your Ticket to Total Intimacy, available through Amazon.com and other booksellers. Shela’s common-sense approach to relationship advice has helped many couples improve intimacy and strengthen marital bonds.
How To Get Back An Ex and Make It Stick
March 13, 2010 | Leave a Comment
When wondering how to get back an ex, we often forget that we are working from a position of strength. If you are trying to convince a new potential partner to notice you, you may have to try various different tricks to gain their attention. You don’t know them so you don’t know which buttons to press.
But when dealing with your ex, you know exactly what they like and don’t like. You know which clothes they prefer you to wear, what scent or cologne, where they hang out and what they like doing in their spare time. You know her favorite flowers or what team he supports. You know this person intimately and you can use this knowledge to your advantage. OK, you also have the disadvantage of the fact that you have already broken up once but that is not the end of the world. We all make mistakes and thankfully most can be rectified.
So don’t despair, you have a lot of things going for you. Millions of couples the world over break up and get back together again and so can you. You just need to know how to approach your ex-partner and convince them that you deserve another chance. Honest communication is the best policy. Don’t be tempted to play games, you are not a child and this is not the playground. Some people will tell you that you should try and make your ex jealous. But trying to hurt anyone doesn’t show any respect for that person’s feelings never mind those of the person you are using.
Unfortunately how to have a successful relationship is not a subject taught in school. Some of us are lucky to have parents who are still together and have shown us by their example, what a happy partnership is. But all too often this is not enough. Go into any bookshop and you will see shelves of books on relationships. How to make them better, how to make them work, how to meet the right man or woman, how to keep them once you meet them etc. You think of any question you may have had about your relationship and there is a probably a book written to answer it.
But reading loads of books won’t turn you into a relationship expert overnight. You need to read the right material. You need to know that other people have found these books useful and been successful in attracting their ex back into their lives.
You want a course that doesn’t promise the earth but will help you to resolve your differences with your ex and enable you to become a happy couple once again. Sometimes these books will claim to make you totally irresistible to the other sex. But this isn’t what you want. There is only one person you are interested in getting back. So, it really is up to you. You can stay home and be miserable wondering how to get back an ex or you can be constructive and take positive steps and hopefully soon you will be back in the arms of your lover once more.
5 Tips For Fixing A Broken Relationship
March 6, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Many relationships run into problem areas. At some point, your relationship, no matter how good, will have issues. These issues can be easy to work on. Some relationships can have bigger issues, however. These issues are much more difficult too work around. If you are working on fixing a broken relationship, you need to be sure to be cautious. You want to make sure that you take all of the necessary steps to fix what has been broken.
Identify the Problem
The first tip that will help you to fix your broken relationship is to fully identify the problem. Both of the people in the relationship need to have a complete understanding of the state of the relationship. If there was a specific event that caused the issue, you both should understand how that happened. If it was a series of events, you need to clearly define the issues and what caused them.
Let Them Know How You Feel
The second tip to fix your broken relationship is to be honest and open about how you feel. A relationship can only work if there is strong communication. You need to be open about how you feel. Be careful with your woods, but do not sugar coat your feelings.
Do not hide any of your feelings. You need to let the other person, in the relationship, know your emotions. Be descriptive. Are you angry? Upset? Sad? Mad? Disappointed? The more descriptive you can be, the more your partner will understand you.
Pay Attention
You need to be sure to pay attention to how they feel as well. Communication goes both ways. Listen to how descriptive they are about their feelings. Ask penetrating and specific questions to better understand how they feel. By doing so you will grasp the root of the primary problem.
Small Gifts
Small gifts can be a perfect way to start to mend a broken relationship. While it will not fix everything, it will show that you care, and that you are thinking of them.
Small Dates
Going on small, inexpensive but fun dates can also be beneficial. Having fun together is the perfect way to start to mend broken hearts and a broken relationship.
You need to make sure that you both fully understand the issue at hand. IF you are working on fixing a broken relationship, you need to be on the same page. From this point, you need to let them know how you feel. Be open about how you feel about the situation, and what you think can help it. Be sure to pay attention to what they have to say as well.
When you are sure that you are both on the same wavelength, you need to pay attention to the small things. Small gifts and small dates, especially gifts and dates with more meaning, are a good way to start to mend the relationship. You need to remind yourselves why you are in the relationship. This will help you to fix your broken relationship.