Love: Falling in Love With Your Spouse - Again

June 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Bobbie and Mac sought me out for couples counseling because they were on the verge of divorce - after 25 years of marriage. Both had years of counseling, yet they could not find their way through their relationship problems.

Bobbie described her experience of their relationship:

“I love Mac but I do not feel seen or loved by him. He is never affectionate with me and does not seem to value all that I do. He blows up over the slightest infraction and I often feel that he is being irrational. He seems to look for things to get angry about. He often accuses me of thinking and behaving in ways that are not me at all. I feel totally invisible to him, and I can’t deal with it any more. He is so kind and loving with others but not with me.”

Mac described his experience of their relationship:

“Bobbie argues and debates with me over every little thing. I feel so angry and controlled by her arguing and debating that I guess I decided a long time ago to no longer let her in. Her debating everything is intolerable to me, and I’d rather end the relationship than keep on being at the other end of this control.”

Bobbie came from a background where she was deeply unseen by her parents. As a child, being unseen felt so lonely to her that she had learned to try to have control over being seen by caretaking, arguing and debating. She had never learned to manage the loneliness of not being seen. She continued in her marriage with Mac to try to have control over how he saw her and felt about her with her caretaking and debating.

Mac came from a very controlling family, and had learned many ways to resist being controlled. In his relationship with Bobbie, his resistance was in full force. He would give her none of himself in his efforts to not be invaded and controlled by her.

I worked with each of them individually, helping each of them take responsibility for their own part of the relationship system. In one of our sessions, Bobbie experienced a deep level of understanding of her behavior. In our next session she reported that:

“I knew I was arguing and debating, but I didn’t realize how terrified I had been of the loneliness of not being seen. In the session, I recalled the depth of the loneliness I experienced with my parents, and after the session I sobbed and sobbed. Then I was able to fully embrace the lonely little child in me instead of abandoning her by trying to control Mac. I apologized to Mac for my unloving behavior and since that time, I have been able to lovingly walk away when I feel so unseen by Mac.”

After a couple of months of Bobbie no longer trying to control Mac, Mac had a breakthrough.

“I was, once again, very angry at Bobbie for some little thing. Instead of arguing with me, she just walked away. I went after her and tried to blame her some more. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “You don’t see me.” Somehow, this stopped me dead. I knew she was right. Even though I knew I had pulled back, I had not realized until that moment how angry and punishing I had been with her. I had seen it as all her fault. But she had stopped the debating and now I had to see my part of this. I was still angry even though she had stopped doing the very thing that I was so angry about. At that moment, all my love for her came flooding back and I was able to deeply apologize to her for my unloving behavior. Since then we are like newlyweds! We never thought we could fall in love with each other again, but we have!”

About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Ready to join the thousands who have healed their pain and discovered their joy? Learn Inner Bonding now! Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Save Marriage Tips 

Are Men or Women More Prone to Unfaithfulness?

May 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment

Unfaithfulness in a relationship has been a hot topic discussed in many settings, probably since the beginning of time. The basketball court, the beauty salon, and the barber shop, are some of the likely places in which people have been compelled to put their two cents in. We’ve all huddled up in a group or at least witnessed people gather to debate over the roles men and women play in their unfaithfulness. Some debates are heated, and some are even humorous, while others allow women and men to learn more about each other in the process of exchanging ideas, feelings, and attitudes about the impact of cheating and being cheated on. Yet the age-old question still remains: Who cheats more, women or men?

Some men seem to follow a common route when developing an answer to this question. Their initial thoughts are somewhat obscured by their resistance to admit their own unfaithfulness in their relationships. But when probed further into discussion, they’re more willing to confess it as long as they’re given the chance to explain why. When asked if women or men cheat the most, transportation manager Lee Greene replied: “I believe men cheat the most because we can. For me, it was easy. Being away from home a lot made it easy and my cockiness made it easy. But I got a conscience about hurting the woman I was with. I felt like a snake, so I stopped.”

“Women do cheat, but men cheat the most. Women have to think about certain risks if the man decides to walk away, like pregnancy, emotional attachment, and STDs,” said salon owner Alta Haralson. “Men don’t seem to consider all the same risks as much as women do, which would make women less inclined to cheat.” She went on to say that the reason a man goes outside of his relationship to have an affair is due to ego and selfishness. “If he feels he’s not sexually fulfilled by his partner, he goes elsewhere. Sometimes it’s just about being bored with one person.”

Unfaithfulness in relationships can result from numerous issues such as lack of intimacy, feeling neglected or ignored, and emotional withdrawal. Unfaithfulness can also lead to irreversible distrust, revenge, divorce and, in some extreme cases, murder. As vehement as we may be about our opinions on this subject, we must be as diligent in remembering the outcome of some of the most infamous cases of unfaithfulness. To name a few: Joey Buttafuoco and his under-aged sidepiece, Amy Fisher, who shot Mrs. Buttafuoco in the face in the heat of a jealous rage; Basketball star Kobe Bryant, who stepped out on his wife, Vanessa, when he had a sexual encounter with a woman in a Colorado hotel room, after which he was charged with rape; and let’s not forget about one of our nation’s most revered presidents, Bill Clinton, who faced impeachment after lying about his affair with intern Monica Lewinsky. The media had a field day with these cases, crowning men the kings of unfaithfulness.

However, according to Michelle Langley, author of Women’s Infidelity, women are cheating just as much as men and the media have just begun to acknowledge, to a limited extent, the pervasive crisis associated with female unfaithfulness. On her website, Womensinfidelity.com, she asserts that after researching women’s sexuality for more than ten years, she concluded that most of society’s beliefs about females are extremely distorted and invalid. She further claims that after an average of four years of marriage, women in their twenties and thirties experience a pre-midlife crisis similar to the male midlife crisis, which makes women more likely to cheat. She also states that women – under this profile at Stage 3 – have lost interest in sex with their husbands who often have no knowledge of their wives’ affairs.

Finding the answer to the battle of the sexes in the cheating department may go down in history books as having more complex questions and no finite solution. At the end of the day, we’ll never establish the absolute winner of this never-ending contest. And maybe it would help if the question were posed differently by asking “Who gets hurt the most from unfaithfulness in a relationship?” Then we’d all agree – hands down –that nobody ever wins.

About the Author: Mel Bancroft is a contributing writer for ; Regal Black Mens Magazine For more information on this subject visit our ; Lifestyle Section To read about ; unfaithfulness.

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Cheating Spouses 

How to Attract Women: How to Impress Women

May 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment

By James, Relationship Expert

Renee Grant-Williams, a celebrity vocal coach, says, “The people we deal with in life come to know us by the three ways in which we present ourselves: (a) how we look; (b) what we say; and (c) how we say it.” Obviously, this applies just as much to women as it does to men. If not more.

So if you want to impress women, you’re gonna have to carefully think about how you present yourself. Let’s look at each category.

A. How We Look

Whether you like it or not, dress is crucial. It says a lot about you: whether you care about how you look, or you don’t. But you don’t have to dress like a Hollywood celebrity to look good.

Here are some tips on how to dress for success:

1. Get a female friend or sister to help you pick your clothes.

If you don’t know what to wear, get someone who does know! Ask a female friend or acquaintance to go shopping with you. She’s sure to be flattered, and if you reward her with a gift certificate or DVD, she’ll be all the more motivated to help you out.

2. Check out the latest styles.

Go to the bar or club and see what others are wearing. Observe what the guys who do well with women wear. Look in magazines and catalogues and see what it’s in style.

3. Wear what conforms to your identity.

Hey, if you’re the hardworking, businessman type, wear formal clothes that accent your career. If you’re the snowboarder/skater type, wear grungy clothes that accent your loose, laid-back persona. And if you’re really into music, don’t be afraid to express yourself with the types of clothes that rock stars and musicians like to wear! You can’t force a style upon yourself; clothes are a form of marketing, so market yourself like you would a product, in the way that best shows what you’re all about.

The same goes for your hair: If you want to convey a clean-cut, crisp image, then you might want to shave and cut your hair short. But if you’re trying to convey a rebel image, a goatee, long hair, and tattoos are probably in order.

And speaking of tattoos, don’t forget that they are an ACCESSORY that further helps you to market yourself. Tats, jewelry, and even hats are great ways to mold your image to the man you want to present to women. If you’re a snowboarder, for example, a wool hat says “Cool”. Or if you’re an aspiring rapper or musician, a doo rag has a place in your wardrobe. Consider the accessories that best conform to you as a person.

B. What We Say

Here are some great topics to talk about:

* Your dreams.
Let a girl know that you have a purpose and direction in your life, that you’re not a wandering bum!

* Funny stories.
Humor is a great aphrodisiac. Think about some funny things that have happened in your life. But make sure your delivery is good–more below.

* Her.
The Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent.” Don’t be afraid to let a girl speak for a while. Be silent, but be interested. Actively listen to what she says. It’ll go a long way towards upping the attraction meter!

* Teasing/Playing around.
This is a great technique, especially if you don’t know exactly what to talk about. Throw in an occasional joke or funny moment. I have a friend who has a great technique for handling silence. He laughs to himself, prompting the girl to ask, “What?” He’d say in a sly way that would invite curiosity, “Nah, you don’t want to know. I’m in deep thought.” She’d respond, “Tell me! Tell me!” So he’d do the whole Meow Mix song (”Meow meow meow meow…”). It’s just one of many great ways to lighten the moment, and show you’re a relaxed, none-too-serious person.

* Last but not least, sex.
One relationship guru brilliantly says, “TALKING about sex is the first step towards having it.” Ask her if she’s a bad girl, or what’s the craziest thing she’s ever done in her life—with a bit of innuendo added into your voice. This isn’t the kind of stuff you want to talk about right away, but when things are going good, it’s great to show your “inner bad boy”. She’ll know what you mean, and get excited thinking about it.

Likewise, here are some topics that you SHOULD NOT talk about:

- Offensive humor. Chris Rock’s racial humor may be entertaining, but it’s not a good topic for a first date!
- Politics. There’s nothing to be gained by arguing over issues and parties.
- Past girlfriends. An absolute no-no. All you do is play a game that makes one of you jealous or suspicious of the other. Stay away from this topic, but if she DOES ask you about past girlfriends, talk respectfully about them so you don’t come off as an insecure whiner.
- Inside jokes between you and your friends. They’re called inside jokes for a reason–keep them that way!
- Anything that could be interpreted as geeky or dorky, such as science-fiction. Unless you know for a fact that she’s into science fiction and comic books, keep it to yourself for now. The last thing you want to come across as is a geek!
- Too much about yourself, your possessions, how great you are, etc. Bragging only makes you look insecure. Even if you own a yacht, don’t talk about it like it makes you any more special than her.

C. How We Say It

Of course, none of these topics, particularly funny stories, are gonna work if you don’t know to deliver them. Delivery in speech is crucial. People who have good delivery can make an otherwise dull story an exciting one. I highly suggest you read “Voice Power” by the aforementioned Renee grant Williams. Here are some tips she recommends:

1. Use consonants.

That is, accent your speech. If you’re talking about a great concert you went to, no one will believe it’s that great if you say in a monotone voice, “That was a great concert.” That puts people to sleep. Instead, say, “Man, that was a grrrreat concert!” The Tony the Tiger voice. If she says something, don’t say as if you’re bored, “Really.” Say, “Rrrreally?”, then, with emphasis, “WOW.” It works!

2. Don’t use unnecessary words and details.

If you’re talking about a time when you and your friends went to Cancun, don’t bother with the unnecessary details like the food they served on the plane, the wait for the taxi, or the sheets they used in the hotel. Get to the point!

3. Silence.

As Williams says, Silence does speak a thousand words. There’s nothing better than the “power pause”, especially when trying to captivate your listeners with a story of bravery. You can lead up to something powerful, then pause while the girl takes it in and after a few seconds of silence, say, “But that’s not all…” Or

4. Drama and comedy.

Don’t be afraid to sprinkle some dramatic and comedic flair into your speech. If you’re talking about a goofy incident with your buddy, laugh along with it. When you laugh, it’s a cue for other people to laugh. Chris Rock does this all the time; he laughs at his own scripts, and it has the power of making his routine all the funnier. Likewise, if you’re telling a dramatic story of something amazing like rescuing people from a car accident, talk with conviction and suspense. It really goes a long way towards spellbinding women; they love a great story, especially a heroic one.

5. Use body language.

It’s not enough to talk with your arms beside your side and your butt on your seat. Talk with your arms, with your hands, your body language creating a sense of excitement. It’s a fact: enthusiasm is contagious. So show some enthusiasm with your vocal and body languages!

Finally, change your pitch. If things are going well, lower your pitch, give her your best Barry White. If you’re talking about a funny moment, a louder, more excited pitch is probably best. Recognize the mood and alter your voice to conform to it.

Congratulations! You’re on your way to making great impressions on great women. Recognize the power of speech and appearance, and you’re bound to succeed.

Don’t forget, if you want to learn more about making yourself unforgettable to women by making unforgettable impressions, visit my website at “How to Be Irresistible to Women.”

http://www.savemarriagehowto.com/go/attract-women.html

Now it’s YOUR turn!

Posted by Brahem | Filed Under Other Marriage Articles 

« Previous Page — Next Page »