10 Magical Daily Minutes That Will Improve Your Marriage

December 25, 2008 | Leave a Comment

If you are like most married people, you work, take care of your children, worry about paying your bills and staying healthy, and spend a lot of your “free time” on laundry, grocery shopping and home maintenance. Working on your marriage and strengthening your bond as a couple may not even make your to-do list.

But what if I told you that devoting just ten minutes a day to your spouse can produce magical results?

As a marriage and family therapist, I know how important this “couple time” is, not just to husband and wife but to children who gain when their parents are in a happy and stable relationship that centers on them and not on their children.

Everyone has ten minutes to spare, whether at the beginning of their day or after they come home from work to reconnect with their spouse for what I call “the daily magic ten minutes.” Doing so will set the remainder of the day or the evening right for everyone in the family.

Couples with toddlers and very young children can do this too. Of course, they will need to make sure their children are safe when they plan their alone time. If your children are slightly older, you might make this new habit into a game. I urge parents to tell their children playfully, “Unless the sky falls in, or a whale eats you up, or there’s blood, please don’t interrupt us. Mommy and Daddy need alone time. But we’ll be done in ten minutes.” Put a timer where they can see it, and your kids will know when the time is up. If you have children who are old enough to watch their siblings, you can pay them to baby sit while the two of you go off to seek a quiet place to chat with each other.

Daily Magic Ten Minutes Rules

You and your spouse are taking the time you deserve and need in order to reacquaint yourselves as spouses and as people once again – and not as parents or employees. As a result, certain topics are off-limits. No talking about what the children did that day or what happened at work.

This is precious time you are taking for yourselves, perhaps in your bedroom with the door closed, perhaps over a cup of tea or a glass of wine.

Talk about whatever you want. If the ten minutes allotted turn out not to be enough, pick up the discussion again the next day right where you left off. Or contract for more time later in the evening.

Some topics you might want to explore together as you get used to this new habit are: books you want to read, trips you’d love to take, hobbies you would like to pursue, purchases you would like to make, thoughts about where you would like to live when you retire, and what you might like to do when you reach retirement age.

Asking open ended questions of each other will keep the conversation going. Then you both are sure to learn information about your spouse you didn’t know. You may even discover that you are not the expert on your spouse you thought you were. For example, recently, my husband told me his favorite sport was baseball. I was quite surprised, because he is a diehard football fan and season ticket holder. Now when he talks about baseball, I listen more intently because I know he is sharing with me on a topic that is close to his heart.

Whatever you talk about with your spouse, I hope you have fun with this new time together. Sooner or later, children leave home. And when yours do, you will find that your empty nest will not be a problem. Instead, it will present a continuation of your ability to deepen your relationship with your best friend, the person you married.

About the Author: Dr. Beth Erickson is a marriage and family therapist, radio host, book author and developer of “The Best Part of Your Life” program for executives, entrepreneurs and their spouses. Dr. Beth has appeared on NPR and in Cosmo, USA Today and many other national media. Visit http://www.Dr.BethErickson.com to receive email updates from her and take a marriage assessment quiz that lets you know how your marriage stacks up. And visit http://www.AskDrBethErickson.com if you want to ask her a question which she will answer personally.

How To Get Your Ex Back - An Effective 5 Step Outline

October 6, 2008 | Leave a Comment

A lot of people do “random things” when their boyfriend or girlfriend break up with them. Then there’s always people giving vague advice that may leave you confused and angry. To get your ex back, realize that it will take time so don’t expect it to be a “quick fix.” I know this is long but follow these simple pointers and hopefully you’ll be on your way to getting your ex back.

Step 1 - Stop Contacting Them

Why do you think your girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with you? I can tell you that one of the main reasons was because you might have been too clingy to them. Examples would have been you called them most of the time rather than them calling you. When they were hanging around their friends, did you ever want them to hang out with you instead? Perhaps you wanted their attention a little “too much” and they decided to cut the chord which caused you to be in your position right now. If you’re in a break up right now, whatever you do, don’t call them or text message them, even if you’re obsessed. Not only can this be annoying, but will work against you. It’s okay, breathe… give them some space right now.

Step 2 - Deal with “Your” Problems First

Stop sorrowing and stop thinking about your ex! Whenever you find yourself at any moment thinking about your ex, immediately stop yourself and think of something else. Make this a habit it or pinch yourself if you need to. In order to stop thinking about your ex, try to occupy your thoughts with something – anything! You can easily do this by consistently doing activities that cause your mind and body to focus on something else like jogging at the park, talking to people, going to the movies with friends, go rock climbing, work out at a gym, join a discussion club, go to a party, go to a club, or draw a picture!

Step 3 - Make Sure Your 100% Recovered

Keep doing those activities! At first it will be hard, but expect this just like any type of obstacle that you’ve had to go through in life. After the second day, third, forth and fifth day, doing activities and other things will be a lot easier. If you keep at it, have a positive attitude, and constantly talk to people (not about your ex), it’s very possible that within two weeks to a month, you’ll be fully recovered from any emotional depression that was caused by your breakup. Also, stay away from music that has lyrics about any type of love, sex, or breakup. Techno may be a good choice because is has no lyrics, and is very upbeat!
Step 4 - Meet Them

Make sure that you’ve allowed the proper time to pass before you continue with this step. Proper time could be two weeks to two months to half a year. It doesn’t matter… what matters is your attitude! You need to be confidently comfortable with yourself and life, and even if you’ve gotten this far, you’re already golden. Within about month of not calling your ex, they will most likely call you to see how you’re doing because they will be curious, and perhaps want to meet you. If not, contact them, after you feel like your fully recovered, and ask them that if they wanted to get something just as friends. . You should ask them in a mature way where you’re just saying, “Hey do you want to hang out sometime?” With this positive attitude, they’ll most likely agree and say, “Sure.”

Step 5 - Treat Them Friend and Only a Friend

When you guys get together, do not mention anything about the breakup. That’s the past! If they happen to bring it up, just say that it was for the best. Their breaking up with you wasn’t that big of a deal. If you show any signs of weakness, your ex will think that you still have feelings for them, which will cause awkwardness. Talk about new things as if you were on a date with them – be playful, flirty, joke around, and have fun! Make fun of yourself even! They’ll start to wonder why their presence isn’t making you head over heels for them, and even better, they’ll start finding you to be that attraction person that they first dated. If they start sending signals of attraction (an obvious one would be talking about your guys’ relationship memories – i.e. “Hey, remember when we did this?”), then you’ll know that they were thinking about you and still have feelings for you. Whatever happens, let me repeat this again, whatever happens, you should be the one to choose if you want to take them back or move on with your current life. Hope this helps and good luck!

Author Bio: Hey, if you “seriously” want to learn how to get back with your ex, don’t stall… take action! Check out my website at http://www.expotions.com for tips, strategies, and articles on how to get back your ex.